YASSS

Sorry for my low frequency of blogging. It's been terribly busy...



I've been thinking of talking about this for a long time. You probably have wondered about my transformation for these few years.


It just started 2 years ago, a time when I was never truly feeling happy. I mean, I'll still laugh over funny stuff but after that, I felt doors shut. Futile. Desolation. Sometimes making others laugh and so looking them smile made me feel better.


I'm not saying that reciprocal is a must in any relationship. But when you realize what he always does for others wasn't done for you, I'm feeling an influx of weakness. It's the isolation that pulled me down to a frown. It was really deep and heavy that I couldn't even flash a smile, not anymore.


I tried talking and communicating, sometimes I wish to know what I could have done wrong. But what I got was pretended attention. Did I need that? Did that solve any problem? 


I tend to ask people what they think of me, he was the only one who gave vague reply - when you ask this question you should know already. WHATTHEFUCKYOUPATHETICOLDDUMBPRETENTIOUSBITCHDESERVETOEATSAND


Lamentable - we're never willing to teach people and learn from people. I knew this was wrong, but I kept them buried anyway, pretending things would work out real soon.


And pretended attention didn't last long. I never ask for it, I just need a clear answer because he didn't need to be in peace with everyone. So why not make it clear? You could always tell me that I'm causing annoyance, which was unbearable to your eye. Or you just hated me.


When communication didn't work, I tried guessing or hinting, which eventually led him to reveal some clues. Then it turned out didn't work much, and he became sensitive to the hinting-way of talking.


When both communication and hinting didn't work well, I knew this wouldn't run long since we never have a chance to know what the problem was. The days were slow and dark that I'm still feeling the heaviness when I'm thinking of them. It's like confining all of my thoughts movements. There's no way I can escape. For some time I wish I did accept the offer to international school for a new life. My life had stuck in it for months, and that actually scraped off all of my pride and confidence. I was so small, even in my own life. 

Sometimes I ask why things wouldn't work out in the way you wanted them to be even though you've put in efforts. Newton's Third Law doesn't work this way maybe. Or simply the direction of working wasn't right.

So I needed some retreat, from things that I'm so familiar with, physically and emotionally.

I was back, with resilience. I started to think only things that's going to happen. I stopped pondering why things don't go right and nothing is left. I stop hesitating about saying the right phrase, with 'right' emotion and expression. 

I'm just going to be a total me, free of wandering thoughts. I'm just going to get in a really good university and continue the great 'unexpectedness' I've always created for me and people around me. (When I was in Primary 6, I wasn't expected to get full As. Teachers, friends, and my mum etc thought I was the black horse. When I was in Form 5, I never expect I would get a result that nearly brings me into a KPM scholarships, which is good. Why? Because I didn't want to be bond in this country and limited to college choices. Oh people, I've just gotten my AS results few weeks ago. It turns out I got 90+ for all my subjects, which was totally unexpected for me.YASSS)

It's true. Every hardship or difficulties you are going through right now is helping you to build your success story. I am on my way to build mine!
Cheers people! BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!