STFU

Sometimes I just can't keep myself from ranting and ranting over the same subject with minor updates. I have too many thoughts for it.


Let me tell you a joke.
There are people who will build their relationships based on what they feel at the moment. Some people do stuff and regret it, over and over again.
When I told my flatmates my stories for the first time, I called it always-regretful person.
People would do things they shouldn't do, and regret it, and try thousands of ways to make up for it, twisting and turning every piece of self back as if things haven't happened or as if they never had the intention to do that in the first place! And that placed everyone, whom they turned to when they were trying to do things they shouldn't do, in a difficult position. And that is fucking selfish. I bet you wanna be a fishmonger, congrats I see your potential. You really EARNED IT.


In contrast, I'm very a not-regretful person. It doesn't mean that I never regret for things that I did, because saying you've never regretted stuff is categorically a bullshit. I regret for things, but I don't crawl back and pretend I never do things. I won't fuck my friendship, and regret it and pretend I never do stuff and things can go back as usual. Because when I say I wanna fuck a friendship or I wanna stay away from someone, there were people who actually supported me and meant 'yeah if that's what you want, I'll help u'. If I ever regret it and then crawl back to try to build back this relationship, how would others look at my friends? Your classical relationships destroyer, BOOM!


Now I really fuck my whatever-ship with you, I don't even want to be acquaintance.
And now that you can make me the real bad guy if you really need an antagonist to complete your story. With your shitty tongue you can say anything now that I don't really care. I don't even want someone to defend for me because I want you to feel like a pseudo-winner. That's probably the closest feeling to victory that you can ever have. You're really welcome.

I'm writing this, with the hope that you will see it, so that you realise there's no chance you can crawl back, and pretend it's anyone's fault. I've seen enough of the same drama, and I'm getting bored of it. Your wit that I once find refreshed has now turned outmoded and obsolete. I expected more, you failed me. I mean, I'm inspired to not overestimate people, really.


I once thought that I nearly got over this until I shared my story with people, realising how inspiring it is. I don't normally judge people by social classes. But this just inspires me that how people may deserve to be judged. EYE-OPENED. Thanks. And I'm sick of your hypocritical, trite, self-contradicting theories. For example 'Inner beauty is the key. Everything else is not' and 'I only have sex with my married partner'. What's wrong with being a sexual being? Why are you judging this since you're insisting inner beauty is your key? I find it hypocritical. I'm embracing all these, all of myself after realising how pathetic people can be. I mean, thank you for the drama, at least I can brag about how many plot-twists there are and how dramatic they are.


Here's a song:

 Pink Guys - STFU

I'm doing this all because I can.

Another thing I wanna say about the vulgarity is that all your primary or secondary schools are in fact being hypocrites. I realise there are important contexts that no things other than profanity can fit in. If you don't appreciate its value in shaping and being a part of culture, you can continue living in your self-containing, complacent world. I'd love to pretend everything is ideal, but now I appreciate more the practical side of the world.

SO FUCK OFF. 

I mean, FUCK OFF FROM ALL GOOD PEOPLE.

2016 in a Nutshell

I do not want to be cliché, but 2016 was truly full of 'ups and downs'.
There were good and bad times - a year of 'realising stuff'.

cliché, cliché, cliché. Cause I'm that boring.
I never realise I was that boring until I try to make friends with new people.
But I'm trying. And I'm gonna fake it till I make it, cause that's how it works bitch.


So 2016 I stayed at home for eight months, and went to Sunway in a regular interval. Thank you my friends for giving me a space to sleep. It was amazinggg

I did lots of stuff in these empty months... I waited for applications, I started watching Game of Thrones, I started gym-going, running at tanjung, and several times bumped into the guy that I fucked in the evening (wtf, thats so wrong i didnt fuck him in the evening, i bumped into him in the evening). I watched so much youtube, recorded songs and videos (a big thanks to my friends who gave me this unique experience), dreamed of being a youtuber, heard good news from CIMB to compete scholarships in a bootcamp, felt scared about the bootcamp 'cause there'll be lots of new people but played it cool in the beginning, and that's all the good stuff. I haven't mentioned how US schools didn't accept me, CIMB rejected me...


After the eight/nine months I came to London. Amazing.
On the first day I was quite terrified. It's a strange place, very strange to me.

I went out for shopping, and when the cashier asked me 'do you need a bag?', I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat for a few times and I couldn't get it. In the first day morning, I walked on the street and some random guy raised his glass and said 'have a nice day mate', and I thought it's a good sign for everything in UK.


First day of the school, some gigantic black guy hit on me, telling me I'm a nice person (wtf u out of ur mind), and gave me his number. I'm okay guys I'm okay. I survived through his long held handshake.


Few days after, I came out with my newly made friends, and at first the guys were like kinda awkward but they are then really nice to me while the girls were planning to bring me to a gay club and gonna see what's happening uhh. blessings haha.


Then went out with a Singaporean guy. He's okay just that he didn't realize I was this 'small'. I wanna quote his sentence 'you're so tiny'. LOLL and that didn't make out.


So the second month which is October, I signed up for a freaking expensive gym membership. I started working out three days a week. And my workout here is suddenly so much more intense than in malaysia. I would spend two freaking hours every time. I enjoyed taking my time, no rushing home. oh and not to mention the lovely people there. You know. #lockerroomlife just kidding.


And October I had so much sex until a point I was kinda in the mood of self-loathing, 'cause whom I'm meeting were mostly looking so much better in the photos. But I realized it's a process of self-discovering. I never regret it because it was interesting. When you see someone so obsessed with you and your body, and then you started questioning yourself 'is my belly real? do they not see it?'. Another realisation is that, notice everyone always says those porn penises were rare people, and penises were rarely big. And while all asian penises that I have seen it before my eyes were smaller than I first thought they should be, these western and middle east people do have big dick. BIG. but thats not the point. Polish is quite passionate though.


November and December. pshh courseworks and tests dropped onto me like a waterfall. I spent quite a long time in library. oh shit and I got 86 for Biochemistry, which has an average of 51 and its highest being 89. No idea how I did it, bitch. I do want to get into Dean's list. Then I went to Luxembourg, lovely place.


Towards the end of December, hooked up with an English (finally?), slightly taller than me. With his beautiful eyes and pretty face, but bad predisposition, which made him hot. I didn't know he's younger than me. But he did like a king, asking me to plead for pain, or pleasure. And the next day and the next day he would keep on asking for more again. In the meantime he just texted me.


Oh and I went to a club for the first time. Did some pre-drinks. Played the ring of fire, it's a not too interesting drinking game. I tried gin and tonic without tonic, which is awful. I tried tequila shots, OMG I LOVE IT! I tried some festive mulled wine, Prosecco, Cava, Rose etc.

Last night, we went to the Primrose hill with our precious Cava and we drank there with loads of other strangers, standing in the cold waiting for the new year fireworks.



Throughout the year, my lifestyle and how I look at the world have been flipped and tossed around - huge changes. Remember how I would overthink stuff and write proses or poems? I could never do that again. I don't want to start an argument just to argue about different perspectives (And I lost interests in winning arguments). I gave no fuck - this is the magic of not giving a fuck. I'm contented with my own evaluations of things, and I need not persuade anyone. I would say it's a growth, but you can say it's deteriorating or going backwards for thinking less, because many people just started to overthink at this age, and I'm like NOPE, I've had enough of that shit and I know that's not gonna help unless you wanna be an emotional writer. Is that cynical? I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm living well.


I have also totally changed my views on sex, which used to be a taboo to talk about. I used to feel ashamed talking about it even though deep down I would crave. It felt like I had successfully swum across the oceans the another island of opinions towards sex (I mean yes physically I'm in a more open-minded country). I figured out that since we're all born because of sex, why are we ashamed of it? Ashamed of talking about or doing it? You should be grateful, son. And it's funny how old people would say the inner beauty is the most that matters (as in physical factor is not important in a relationship), but in their mind they still couldn't accept sex before marriage. OH wait didn't they just mean the physical factors don't matter? Why still want people to hold virginity like it's a precious present that has to be given to a 'special' person? This doesn't make sense, and I think it's a great discrimination to ladies. (Ladies should listen to beyonce more)


My lifestyle has had an immense transformation in this year. I used to hate sports for many years due to many reasons - body shaming, bad stamina, panas etc. This year I finally picked up all my courage to the gym, from worrying to lovin' it. I love how it changes my body and confidences, and how I could sweat. Even in the holidays I felt like my day is incomplete if I missed my gym session. I feel tired for not going to gym. It's bizarre I couldn't describe it.


I also learn to cook real food. Learning all those food names is probably the hardest... linguine? zucchini? fussili? penne? Permigiano-Reggiano or Parmesan? Burritos? Churros? Gluthwein?? currywurst? poisson? boisson? #toomuch


I can't believe I'm saying this since everyone thinks 2016 is a worst year. Yeah I know in terms of what's going on with the world or Malaysia's currency, it's pretty bad, but in terms of personal life, 2016 is a year of positive transitions for me. I'm really grateful.




Happy new year guys!

2016 was amazing. I'm so excited for whatever awaits me in the near future.

Cheers mate.