And..... 2017 is almost done!

Ok. At least my second academic year is coming.

I can't believe how time flies when life gets amazingly busy - I don't even have time to stop and reflect about what life has granted me. I guess I was quite lucky, and I'll tell you why.

It all started when I realised most Malaysians in UK had either looked for or secured summer internships for themselves despite being first year. These internships are voluntary - unlike many of the local universities that impose mandatory internship into their curriculum. You can tell how these overseas students tend to or want be more competitive, or you can call it kiasu if you would. Honestly if I were a local student, I wouldn't even think THAT much, nor would I explore the industry willingly. Why? Just like I wouldn't cook in Malaysia - I will never feel sufficiently prepared for the next steps. Or maybe I don't need to. (or I'll have to do it at some point of my education anyway, so why NOW?)

That was in March, when everyone was busy preparing for the finals in the third term. I looked at all the internships I can apply. I applied to Penguin UK for both internships and work experience, and got rejected. I applied to a few Malaysian laboratories - either I receive nothing at all or they don't take in overseas students - now that it all sounded so ironic to me, at the very time when everyone recognised the sheer quality of overseas STEM education over the local ones.

FUCK them. I decided to look for biotechnology companies, and I decided to write this company a cover letter, attaching my CV on it. The company didn't normally take in interns as they do not have an official internship program. The CEO (?) then notices my cover letter - it went pretty well. Just as we were trying to schedule the interview, I requested for more information about the interview as I wanted to know what the meeting is about. Funny thing then happened. I was reprimanded for not knowing what is going on, and what the company is doing blah blah blah. I swear that is still the most ridiculous thing I have ever encountered in my life other than Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He clearly misunderstood what I was trying to say even after my explanation, insisting that I had an 'incorrect perception about what the company is doing.'

WOW, now it all seemed like a secondary-primary-school-again hierarchy where the age defines your omnipotency to sentence people to death. I know how they like to shape this 'old is wisdom is good' kinda spirit so we always respect old people BUT does reality work like that? It's like telling people that the youth cannot be more successful than the elderly. IDK why I'm so triggered but that's fine - he still offered an interview, and I declined it after days of considering the cultural fit issues. Nahh... not about that life. I held on to the dignity I have, and continued look for my summer placement.

Eventually I landed on an internship in Grab. I was super lucky to have my friend who informed me about this opportunity from his manager, who happened to be a good friend of my boss. And even this internship requires a phone interview, something I was quite afraid of, and a case study over the phone. And surprisingly I secured the opportunity right after the phone interview - can't believe it! Hence it took up two months of my life here.

Well actually I was reluctant to join. My dad wasn't supportive of this decision as well since it's neither research related nor in any way related to my academics. Maybe he thought that I might as well work in his company. But I didn't want to waste my summer doing nothing - you can say I became ambitious after a year in London. And a bit courageous while facing local companies.

Grab is a really good eye-opening platform, and my department is especially good for people who want to take a look at the corporate side of the company. And I guess it gives you the perks of being in a fast-paced but relaxed atmosphere while giving you a glimpse how corporate works, and how you should approach them.

Throughout the internships, I felt like I was a permanent employee, shielded by a status called intern. And it's by that status, I was brought to a higher level than I would have been if it was a permanent job. I learnt some data analysis skills using Excel that everyone claims to be they are good at when they're actually not, and some email marketing skills. It was amazing - I even get to create my own campaign and actually yielded a relatively successful and sustainable results. I guess that's the luckiest thing that happened over the summer.

See? It all seems to me that if I'm willing to take a step forward, everything turns out fine or even better than I thought. Maybe I was just scaring myself with my throughts... so many demons to fight. Oh yeah and I got a first class in my first year, though didn't get into the Dean's list. sad. but it's ok. Two more years also mean two more opportunities to fight!

Say yes, say no.

Say hi to my new computer.

It might sound foolish but I must say that the best way to familiarise a computer is to use it to write. A lot. And it's the reason why I'm here I guess.

Not really.

I miss the time when I would fall asleep while busy pouring my heart out through literature - I like to take blogpost as a type of literature. I would crawl into my bedsheets in my chilly room. And when I had a bottleneck, I would bury my head into my pillow and random sentences flowed out endlessly... I realise it's a process of self-realisation; it's all about how I feel, what I did, what I wished I did.

Sometimes I feel pathetic, though most of the time I try to be whom I supposed to be - whom I should be at this position, this privileged position. 

I used to save my text messages through external services by the provide. They still sit in my email - in a folder called 'from 8 March onwards'. Stop second guessing. 8 March was no magical date or whatsoever. It's only the day I started used the services. And I looked back. I guess there's no shame about it, but it's something I tried stopping myself to do. But it was a real record of a real moment. Like a heritage from my teenage. Like a historical relic. An artefact. 

I guess only loser reminds himself that how he wins, especially not in a game.
But I'm no loser. At least I'm happy how I ended up. I may once believe in a friendship that focuses on longevity - like forever close friend circle. But that is silly. I guess it's best to let everything be everything. Not everyone needed advice needs an advice, nor help, nor unnecessary support, unless one asked for. 



On a side note, my first year has nearly come to an end. I have finals in two days' time.
I'm coping well I think. Can't believe it just ended.
And to think this year I met Tom Daley, Steve Jones... it's amazing.

Hey, I still can't believe I'm living in the busiest area of the busiest city in the world, even after a year. I'm puzzled, and astonished that how this fuses with my reality so well that I don't feel like I'm in another world. Have I mentioned that studying in UK was never a plan before A-levels? I guess I didn't even really know where I want to go with A-levels. Going to SMK was a surprise to both myself and my parents. Coming to London is another surprise that I just come to realisation.

Thank you world.

STFU

Sometimes I just can't keep myself from ranting and ranting over the same subject with minor updates. I have too many thoughts for it.


Let me tell you a joke.
There are people who will build their relationships based on what they feel at the moment. Some people do stuff and regret it, over and over again.
When I told my flatmates my stories for the first time, I called it always-regretful person.
People would do things they shouldn't do, and regret it, and try thousands of ways to make up for it, twisting and turning every piece of self back as if things haven't happened or as if they never had the intention to do that in the first place! And that placed everyone, whom they turned to when they were trying to do things they shouldn't do, in a difficult position. And that is fucking selfish. I bet you wanna be a fishmonger, congrats I see your potential. You really EARNED IT.


In contrast, I'm very a not-regretful person. It doesn't mean that I never regret for things that I did, because saying you've never regretted stuff is categorically a bullshit. I regret for things, but I don't crawl back and pretend I never do things. I won't fuck my friendship, and regret it and pretend I never do stuff and things can go back as usual. Because when I say I wanna fuck a friendship or I wanna stay away from someone, there were people who actually supported me and meant 'yeah if that's what you want, I'll help u'. If I ever regret it and then crawl back to try to build back this relationship, how would others look at my friends? Your classical relationships destroyer, BOOM!


Now I really fuck my whatever-ship with you, I don't even want to be acquaintance.
And now that you can make me the real bad guy if you really need an antagonist to complete your story. With your shitty tongue you can say anything now that I don't really care. I don't even want someone to defend for me because I want you to feel like a pseudo-winner. That's probably the closest feeling to victory that you can ever have. You're really welcome.

I'm writing this, with the hope that you will see it, so that you realise there's no chance you can crawl back, and pretend it's anyone's fault. I've seen enough of the same drama, and I'm getting bored of it. Your wit that I once find refreshed has now turned outmoded and obsolete. I expected more, you failed me. I mean, I'm inspired to not overestimate people, really.


I once thought that I nearly got over this until I shared my story with people, realising how inspiring it is. I don't normally judge people by social classes. But this just inspires me that how people may deserve to be judged. EYE-OPENED. Thanks. And I'm sick of your hypocritical, trite, self-contradicting theories. For example 'Inner beauty is the key. Everything else is not' and 'I only have sex with my married partner'. What's wrong with being a sexual being? Why are you judging this since you're insisting inner beauty is your key? I find it hypocritical. I'm embracing all these, all of myself after realising how pathetic people can be. I mean, thank you for the drama, at least I can brag about how many plot-twists there are and how dramatic they are.


Here's a song:

 Pink Guys - STFU

I'm doing this all because I can.

Another thing I wanna say about the vulgarity is that all your primary or secondary schools are in fact being hypocrites. I realise there are important contexts that no things other than profanity can fit in. If you don't appreciate its value in shaping and being a part of culture, you can continue living in your self-containing, complacent world. I'd love to pretend everything is ideal, but now I appreciate more the practical side of the world.

SO FUCK OFF. 

I mean, FUCK OFF FROM ALL GOOD PEOPLE.

2016 in a Nutshell

I do not want to be cliché, but 2016 was truly full of 'ups and downs'.
There were good and bad times - a year of 'realising stuff'.

cliché, cliché, cliché. Cause I'm that boring.
I never realise I was that boring until I try to make friends with new people.
But I'm trying. And I'm gonna fake it till I make it, cause that's how it works bitch.


So 2016 I stayed at home for eight months, and went to Sunway in a regular interval. Thank you my friends for giving me a space to sleep. It was amazinggg

I did lots of stuff in these empty months... I waited for applications, I started watching Game of Thrones, I started gym-going, running at tanjung, and several times bumped into the guy that I fucked in the evening (wtf, thats so wrong i didnt fuck him in the evening, i bumped into him in the evening). I watched so much youtube, recorded songs and videos (a big thanks to my friends who gave me this unique experience), dreamed of being a youtuber, heard good news from CIMB to compete scholarships in a bootcamp, felt scared about the bootcamp 'cause there'll be lots of new people but played it cool in the beginning, and that's all the good stuff. I haven't mentioned how US schools didn't accept me, CIMB rejected me...


After the eight/nine months I came to London. Amazing.
On the first day I was quite terrified. It's a strange place, very strange to me.

I went out for shopping, and when the cashier asked me 'do you need a bag?', I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat for a few times and I couldn't get it. In the first day morning, I walked on the street and some random guy raised his glass and said 'have a nice day mate', and I thought it's a good sign for everything in UK.


First day of the school, some gigantic black guy hit on me, telling me I'm a nice person (wtf u out of ur mind), and gave me his number. I'm okay guys I'm okay. I survived through his long held handshake.


Few days after, I came out with my newly made friends, and at first the guys were like kinda awkward but they are then really nice to me while the girls were planning to bring me to a gay club and gonna see what's happening uhh. blessings haha.


Then went out with a Singaporean guy. He's okay just that he didn't realize I was this 'small'. I wanna quote his sentence 'you're so tiny'. LOLL and that didn't make out.


So the second month which is October, I signed up for a freaking expensive gym membership. I started working out three days a week. And my workout here is suddenly so much more intense than in malaysia. I would spend two freaking hours every time. I enjoyed taking my time, no rushing home. oh and not to mention the lovely people there. You know. #lockerroomlife just kidding.


And October I had so much sex until a point I was kinda in the mood of self-loathing, 'cause whom I'm meeting were mostly looking so much better in the photos. But I realized it's a process of self-discovering. I never regret it because it was interesting. When you see someone so obsessed with you and your body, and then you started questioning yourself 'is my belly real? do they not see it?'. Another realisation is that, notice everyone always says those porn penises were rare people, and penises were rarely big. And while all asian penises that I have seen it before my eyes were smaller than I first thought they should be, these western and middle east people do have big dick. BIG. but thats not the point. Polish is quite passionate though.


November and December. pshh courseworks and tests dropped onto me like a waterfall. I spent quite a long time in library. oh shit and I got 86 for Biochemistry, which has an average of 51 and its highest being 89. No idea how I did it, bitch. I do want to get into Dean's list. Then I went to Luxembourg, lovely place.


Towards the end of December, hooked up with an English (finally?), slightly taller than me. With his beautiful eyes and pretty face, but bad predisposition, which made him hot. I didn't know he's younger than me. But he did like a king, asking me to plead for pain, or pleasure. And the next day and the next day he would keep on asking for more again. In the meantime he just texted me.


Oh and I went to a club for the first time. Did some pre-drinks. Played the ring of fire, it's a not too interesting drinking game. I tried gin and tonic without tonic, which is awful. I tried tequila shots, OMG I LOVE IT! I tried some festive mulled wine, Prosecco, Cava, Rose etc.

Last night, we went to the Primrose hill with our precious Cava and we drank there with loads of other strangers, standing in the cold waiting for the new year fireworks.



Throughout the year, my lifestyle and how I look at the world have been flipped and tossed around - huge changes. Remember how I would overthink stuff and write proses or poems? I could never do that again. I don't want to start an argument just to argue about different perspectives (And I lost interests in winning arguments). I gave no fuck - this is the magic of not giving a fuck. I'm contented with my own evaluations of things, and I need not persuade anyone. I would say it's a growth, but you can say it's deteriorating or going backwards for thinking less, because many people just started to overthink at this age, and I'm like NOPE, I've had enough of that shit and I know that's not gonna help unless you wanna be an emotional writer. Is that cynical? I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm living well.


I have also totally changed my views on sex, which used to be a taboo to talk about. I used to feel ashamed talking about it even though deep down I would crave. It felt like I had successfully swum across the oceans the another island of opinions towards sex (I mean yes physically I'm in a more open-minded country). I figured out that since we're all born because of sex, why are we ashamed of it? Ashamed of talking about or doing it? You should be grateful, son. And it's funny how old people would say the inner beauty is the most that matters (as in physical factor is not important in a relationship), but in their mind they still couldn't accept sex before marriage. OH wait didn't they just mean the physical factors don't matter? Why still want people to hold virginity like it's a precious present that has to be given to a 'special' person? This doesn't make sense, and I think it's a great discrimination to ladies. (Ladies should listen to beyonce more)


My lifestyle has had an immense transformation in this year. I used to hate sports for many years due to many reasons - body shaming, bad stamina, panas etc. This year I finally picked up all my courage to the gym, from worrying to lovin' it. I love how it changes my body and confidences, and how I could sweat. Even in the holidays I felt like my day is incomplete if I missed my gym session. I feel tired for not going to gym. It's bizarre I couldn't describe it.


I also learn to cook real food. Learning all those food names is probably the hardest... linguine? zucchini? fussili? penne? Permigiano-Reggiano or Parmesan? Burritos? Churros? Gluthwein?? currywurst? poisson? boisson? #toomuch


I can't believe I'm saying this since everyone thinks 2016 is a worst year. Yeah I know in terms of what's going on with the world or Malaysia's currency, it's pretty bad, but in terms of personal life, 2016 is a year of positive transitions for me. I'm really grateful.




Happy new year guys!

2016 was amazing. I'm so excited for whatever awaits me in the near future.

Cheers mate.