I am struggling

This is gonna be a post filled with extra negative energy and outrage.

No, it's not about politics.

It's something personal. I have to be honest with you – I am struggling in the sea of competition really, really badly. It's a toxic environment where you need experience for an internship.

No, it's not that I am incompetent or incapable of performing in the laboratory. No matter how well I demonstrated my academic prowess in digesting materials and reconstructing insights, I fail so badly. It's not that I can't carry out things precisely. It's that I did not get the opportunity to show and say that 'hey, I can do as well as others and even better'.

I have accepted that 2017/18 was not my year. My personal tutor's indifference and irresponsibility certainly did not help. "With your result, you're definitely going to get an internship. What matters most is your motivational letter, not a reference," said him who would then proceed to 'write' my reference. For programs applied by more than 500 people across the world, why did I even fall into the innocent words? The answer is that, "if you don't have any experience, whatever you wrote meant nothing," said a friend.

I'm deeply disappointed in myself. How do I show that I am as good as I actually am? When I was young, my dad used to tell me that there's nothing to be worried about if you ever have to go to a job interview - just tell them "I'll show you, and you'll decide if I'm good enough to stay". This may work in the Asian culture - because people are taught to be shy, to be acquiescent, my family works the other way round because as recruiters they are looking for something different. This kills me – I knew that talk is cheap, but it's essential. It has to be good. We're too comfortable in the bubble we lived in, never knowing what the real world and how real competition looks like. And now suddenly it all falls on me. If I know I am just dumb and a failure, I would've just stopped for something else.

Yet I went anyway. The process was gruelling; the wait was infuriating. Sometimes I couldn't sleep at night, thinking about my future and things I should do. Sometimes I wrote motivation letter with tears – it's almost saying "Please let me in, let me prove to you". But these are to no avail.

Here are my very raw and real rejections. I am writing not to whine about how unfair or whatever. I am writing to remind me that one day if I have ever succeeded, I should know what to do.

1)

2) 1900 applications????

3) Consulting whatever

4) Should I just accept that I'm never one's first choice?

5) This is the most painful one. 

 ^ dude, I don't have that confidence anymore after all this

6) While #5 said I am REALLY enthusiastic...

7)

8)

9)

10)

11)

So you might ask, "Where do you even get an experience if an intern position is asking for one?" The answer, unfortunately, lies in the high school life. Carrying out laboratory research in high school. Well sure. Even if I realise this back in high school, nothing would ever be different. We do need a better scientific environment for our next generations.

Also, indeed some programmes are meant to provide a first-hand experience - I guess when they look at my result, they just assumed I would've gotten a position at anywhere else.

So here I am – listening to the chaos of voices from everywhere – "I'm sure you're good" "I'm sure you'll get somewhere" "I'm sure you'll have no problem achieving your goals" "don't give up though, as your CV and interview are good".

???????????????????????

What are you trying to say??

I can't contain my emotions no more. One day, I was just sitting on the balcony, trying to let the cold wind to wake me up. Sometimes when I cross roads without paying heed to the traffic light, terrible thoughts would flow into my mind.