on drugs

The commonality that all drugs share is that they elicit this sense of happiness and euphoria so much that it results in a sense of complacency. It makes you think that happiness is so simple; some music, some powder, some nice people to surround with - that's it. You have absolutely no FOMO, of what others are doing. You are so present, so enjoying the moment - that time flies by so quickly (for some drugs). You feel so deeply connected with the people surrounding you. You place trust in them, you care for them - you are in a state of giving (giving & caring for people is often the largest source of happiness when one is high...).

Here, I would like to focus on complacency, a state of mind of a drugged individual, which is actually also shared by many everyday people. People who are imprisoned by their macroenvironment, and those who have accepted the status quo and never challenged or asked questions about why and how and what-ifs, or never asked how they can change the world. Complacency keeps them there... but this is not a discussion to critique those who don't try. 

The first time that I have ever felt complacent - that this is good enough and that I can live with this - is when I'm high. And that itself is dangerous.

This complacency strong enough to impose on highly driven individuals, likely, is the true harm of drugs.

Focus on your blooming

 I have found not one, but two secrets to a more fulfilling, successful life. They are:

1- focus on your blooming - it's never too late to start improving yourself. Find out what you are insecure about - do something about it! They always say you never regret a good workout - I can tell you it's bloody true. I have OFFERS to line up my dms; the more I worked hard, the better the offers are. the invitations, the network that came along with it. It's unbelievable and it's worth trying.

2- craft your own path - don't take the usual paths. Make your own, be you, be special. Not everyone can be no. 1 in your field - most certainly not you, statistically. But you can bring different perspectives and diverse backgrounds into your work. You don't need to be harvard or Oxbridge grad to be good, because you bring YOU. Make sure YOU are a unique entity, not  typical uni grad. For instance, I'm a biochemistry grad with experiences in business development - that is the one thing that the interviewers are always curious about... and most often allow me to win these competitions.

I would add try new experiences to the next. But it's already very clear and cliche.

Almost there

This year has been incredible.

Incredible to look back - it has not even been a whole year yet!

First off, I have been training really hard with my personal trainer 

been in strict control with diets, weight-liftings, many cardio sessions...

I feel great and ready to conquer the world lol

I felt like I have completely embraced myself this year

my sexuality; (I'm close to embracing my height)

I'm more comfortable with myself, with people, 

with lots and lots of sex ... And I'm not even a sexual person.

Those are times when I crave physical touch and affection.

I'm starting to get a lot of attention on those apps... 

I'm such a late boomer!!!

ngl that boosts my confidence but I had to remind myself that my charm comes from within.

Academically

I felt like again I'm the only exception in my cohort.

This feeling and weird perspectives on things that I have since primary

when is it going away? or are they for good? Am I still the dark horse?

I have proven time and time again my perspective stands the challenge of time.

I AM once again different from the small cohort of 6.

I convinced 2 academic groups to venture into something that the whole university has no experience in.

I won my first fund; I convinced a supervisor to start a company

how did I do that? I still cannot give an answer. I'm not sure.

Socially

I made more friends than ever.

but I just wanna have fun

no more 'advice' from me

I'm done trying to convince people of my different perspectives

Because there are people who would believe they're in a non-salvageable puddle

not realising that I was in that puddle too

I believed that I'm different and seek any opportunity to get out or make a change

So good luck...

I can speak better now...

I invite strangers for coffee to network

I do all these things that I never imagined

I feel like I'm on a peak... when the world is literally on fire (covid-19).

What a time... I'm so grateful and I'm ready to enjoy life. Let's go!

Happy 2021!

I am just here to say that 

Although I had moved on for a really really long time

it's still funny to look back 

"What/How is he doing now?"

"Is he failing in life now? like finally?"

"Or is everything fine? Going smoothly?"

if smoothly means unambitious of course.

These are not even the kindest words, but they aren't even personal

Many a time, I struggle to think too highly of anyone anyway

(Many have failed me for lacking the drive)

I just wanted to say

I know that I have peaked

when I've moved on (for many many years)

but then realised that I am being precluded from being a bystander for a said person this whole time,

when I am not the one who wronged in the first place!

Hate to say this, but it does felt like

Someone is fearful of facing one's mistakes, regrets, or bad decisions

(Not that it matters to anyone NOW)

In all honesty

I for one am glad that all this happened

No regrets here because I fought and I tried my best

It didn't work out – you didn't work out –

So there's no need to hide 

And I meant the best for you

(but again, I would do the same if I were you pfffttt so I call that equal)

I say let go ALL THE TIME

But don't we just love teasing when we're not the guilty one 😂

key takeaways from the documentary about Bill Gates

I was interested in Bill Gates' work for quite some time now as the Covid-19 pandemic unfolded early on and when Wellcome Trust and Bill Gates, together with Mastercard, were working together to find a solution for this medical challenge. Wellcome Trust, as you all might know, is one of the wealthiest foundations which funded the large biology projects e.g. Human Genome Projects, and reformed the research funding scene by focusing on 'the best people' rather than the projects. I have always been fascinated by Wellcome Trust's work in biomedical sciences and was lucky enough to secure a Wellcome Trust studentship for my incoming PhD. But Bill Gates is more interesting from this perspective because unlike Sir Henry Wellcome, he does not have a background in biology or have a pharmaceutical business. 

What strikes me as very interesting about Bill Gates is his philanthropic work in R&D and solving the world's most challenging issues, with most of them required a lot of funding and high failure rates. 

The Netflix documentary Inside Bill's Brain: Decoding Bill Gates was a succinct epitome of the American business magnate, laying his early lives, successes with Microsoft, and his philanthropy work at Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Here are some key points from the documentary - which may perhaps shed some lights on Bill Gates' success:

1. Bill grew up an optimistic kid - when he looked for ideas, instead of thinking why things are hard or unachievable, he asks 'what can be done to achieve this?' or 'how can we do this?'
   
2. Bill reads a lot of books - multiple books on a topic.
   He reads a lot on global health, energy, and education.
   He takes 'reading week' regularly just to read.
   In fact, he has a website where he writes reviews for his favourite books every season.
   
3. He has an amazing ability to retain information and to synthesise new things based on available information.
   
4. He is always on time, and he is running out of time (to solve the world's problems)
   
5. He is a workaholic and has very good technical skills (since middle school)
   
6. He has an upper-class family background, with very sociable parents, but himself is quite introverted. He still looks up to his mum even now - knowing several things that his mum would say that he can do better.
   
7. He actively looks for problems to solve. He also looks for people who can solve those problems. The film is almost very encouraging - hinting that if you're the one who can solve the problem, get in touch.
   
8. He was seemingly arrogant when young. Less so now.

On self-improvement

A common side effect of focusing on self-improvement is that you are not dependent on others to validate your self-worth.

Knowing your shortcomings and laying out plans to overcome them also meant that you are too busy for self-doubt and hesitation.

When you're finally free to look around, you will realise that these gradual improvements have brought you to a new height relative to your starting ground. Self-improvement is addictive - because the process blocks out noise and provides focus; the end results are tangible and real that one day you will find yourself decent and even attractive.

But the first step is the hardest - but small success begets more success.
I want to make my community a supportive and successful one, with each and everyone living their best, satisfying lives.

How do I convince everyone to take their first stride?
I wish to help and I wish to see you succeed <3 p="">

It has come to my attention that when achievements are being discussed, what's often brought to the table is whether the said person is 'born with a rich dad'.

I'd love to think my family is well off enough to allow me to see the world, but not so wealthy compared to many people.

The truth is that there will always be many people wealthier than you are, at whatever stage of your life. It's a fact to be accepted, and perhaps a reason to work harder.

However, what's less nice is when some attempted to discount one's hard work, talents, and achievements by judging how wealthy one's family is. I'm not saying it is not a sound argument. But it sounds like self-pity - that I have come to realise it's unattractive in the pursuit of a career.

'Do you think I have it easy?' was the single most useful advice that I received from a colleague. Indeed, nothing (reasonably ambitious) is easy. Having a preexisting network could help; having the money could give you an extra push. 

But without you as a driver - nothing could come to fruition. What drives me the most is when I see a privileged person works even harder than someone who has nothing and at the same time fully utilises the resources that are available - this, this drives me into working harder, not discounting the efforts that one had put in. This is the lesson I learnt.

Christianity in Malaysia has gone very wrong. I'm far from a Christian, but when it comes to a heated debate on religious topics, I can always see their defensiveness, almost a sense of superiority when Christians are offering their opinions.

Even those who claimed they are leaning towards Atheism, having grown up in a Church has set them up for the idea that if there is one true religion it will be Christianity. And that is pure arrogance. How do you know other religions didn't hold a similar degree of 'authenticity'? They love to claim they have 'validated history' but the validation is only done through their point of view. It is as silly as saying Chinese culture is the best (the most intelligent or imparted with the most wisdom), that is if a 'best culture' exists at all. The truth is you don't know, and you could never understand how comparatively good ancient Greek culture is if you did not see, experience, and live it.

My argument is simple: you simply DON'T KNOW. Most/some people think Americans tend to be ignorant and arrogant especially when they think AMeRiCA iS tHe BeSt COuntRy. WHY? Because they don't know, and they never would. period.

I can never fathom why Christians are so defensive about their religion. Some like to make comparisons between Christianity and other religions, which showed how insecure they are? No one asked for it??? It's easy to stumble upon websites that elaborated on points why Christianity is better, citing vague misleading information about other religions; you don't see it the other way round - you don't see Buddhism website attacks other religions. So what's the fuss about? What's so superior with your religion?

All I see on my friend is pure arrogance, ignorance, and worst - think he 'knows it all'. Of course, all the things he knew is mostly just bullshitting through language skills (I mean, trained in Church, you see) i.e. Bullshitting on 'philosophical matters' that cannot be objectively measured, compared, and concluded, as many 'intelligent Malaysians' tend to be. 

My recommendation is always to be humble and stay true - very true - to your facts (which includes asking yourself HOW TRUE your FACTS are). Or else, everything is just gonna be talk, talk, and talk. People might think you're smart, but I know and facts have shown, that all you do is 'intelligent discourse'. 

I don't do talk, I think and I do work. 

GSK.txt

An actual emotional roller coaster is what this week feels like.

As you already know, I'm pretty much a very anxious person, who's anxious about career, experiences, jobs etc., even though I never was. This is not the same as being afraid to lose in competitions with others, it's being afraid to lose to myself, to fate, to a curse that seems to entail ever since I had expectations for my careers.

I knew experiences were important. I knew jobs were hard to come by, at least according to the news. But I never knew things were THAT competitive. I never knew to gain experience, you need to have experience; your applications will be put into several stages – written, group-based exercises, technical interviews, strength-based interview, competence-based interview, references – oh man life is so hard.

Maybe life isn't intrinsically difficult, but our ambitions made it tough.

Once a friend told me that he would be happy working as a waiter or a barista in Starbucks despite his professional qualification, as long as he can support himself. I knew something was wrong, and I was right, because he's not going to be a barista anytime soon. Another friend told me that he believed that we will survive pretty well in any workplace if we didn't end up in academia. He thinks that we might not be working in places we want to be, or working on things we want to do – but we will be doing pretty well, at least above the average. Maybe he said that to ease my anxiety, but of course, that didn't work. I was the anxious kid who got even more anxious as the rejection letters piled up. It almost felt like a curse – my personal tutor wrote non-informative references, the interviewer in the only interview that I got in a prestigious institute thought that I was too passionate, experiments never worked despite doing it perfectly and carefully, 3rd year research project that is part of the degree is cancelled and replaced by a group lab practicals...... it all started felt like a curse to stop me from getting experiences and excel in science. I've done everything I could but nothing worked out, and things are really NOT in my favour.

Despite the failed experiments, I learnt to package my experience (full of failure) into precious learning experience and skills, giving them names and assigning them values that will be deemed valuable in my CV.

Main Story:

For some reason, I planned to apply to several industrial placement positions, and I did with renewed impetus. After I submitted my application, I suddenly realised that my visa status might not be eligible for the application – hence I emailed the team and told them about the situation and indeed I wasn't eligible.

It was really funny. Few weeks passed, I heard other people have received their interview invitations but I haven't had mine so I thought yeah I can't do it anyway. Then a week before the interview, I suddenly received a call telling me that things are looking good, and I was invited to interviews with all 3 departments that I applied to. WHAT. CRAZY I know.

Is visa an issue? I didn't know. I approached my course organiser, who said that this is quite complicated and is a matter of Faculty. She then emailed me saying that bad news we can't do this blah blah, there's no time to submit a registration for the new degree program which would incorporate an industrial placement and the MSci. So I was disappointed really, and knew I wouldn't be able to undertake the placement.

So I decided to go...... for fun. For interview practice, you know. It's GSK – no one knows how it works in industrial research! The night before I was really nervous. I called out a few friends of mine to hang out, and they reassured me that the worst it can get is rejection. I laughed and topped up the worst-case scenario with the fact that even if I get an offer, I would have to reject it. I went home feeling better (still couldn't sleep that night), and started prepping for some company culture questions (lol interview prep done a bit too late).

I woke up feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL (unbelievable)... Went through the whole day assessment centres. 

Long story short:

Smashed the strength-based interview.

Smashed the technical interview with high resolution answers (thanks to my summer internship).

Didn't smash the group-based exercise...I think. I accidentally suggested giving out free samples for Asthma treatments, made everyone laughed, and got questioned by one interviewer. But I did suggest good stuff though, for example collaborating with the Clinical Association to execute the one-to-many strategies of sale instead of going to GP one by one via representatives; something learnt from my Grab internship.

I had zero nervous-ness. Performed the best of me that I've never seen before. I was sharp, gave answers that I would give when I was chill. I wasn't nervous although I forgot to bring my passport LOL, but I was smart to tell them that LAST. HAHA.

The same night, some of the people had received offers, but I didn't. Felt absolutely shit. I told everyone that I gave my best. The best side of me that I'm proud of, and I'd never change anything of it. It truly is the best. (I gave 80% for it) and I thought that if they didn't pick me, then we simply didn't fit each other at all. It felt a bit disappointing... but I was okay.

The next day, I was called by the team and asked about why I forgot to bring my documents, and is there a reason why... (I forgot to bring my passport, but visa indeed was one of my issues). I told them I'll email them a copy of both in the evening, and they reassured me that this would not affect the decision. I felt something was going on, because if they were to reject me, they wouldn't have needed my passport at all.

In the evening, I was again called by the department itself. I was told that I'm offered a position at my first preferred department OMG! OMG! I was really really really happy - the fact that they've given their recognition to me brightened up my day.

The next day I talked to the course organiser again, this time with an offer to offer. Again, she said it's tricky. She said she will email me the next day.

.

.

.

.

She didn't.

I felt like absolutely shitty. I thought to myself This is probably not gonna end well. I wanna walk away from this uni immediately. Then I felt like this was a curse again! 

I had been waiting for the stars to align: I've never done anything wrong – in fact I've done it perfectly – but things still don't fucking work! And every time these problems are out of my hands!!! There's nothing else I can do, literally. (Besides going to the gym to try to forget these)

The next day, which is today.

I woke up, feeling shitty. Super shitty. I slept too long, and had a headache.

I swallowed a panadol, and made myself coffee, washed plates etc.

Then she sent me an email, asking me for my visa status. I replied.

Then she said I may have GOOD NEWS.

Then she said We are proposing a new degree programme for your situation.

What on earth has happened???????

:O give me the pikachu gif

So yeah that's my story. I'm now the founding father of this new degree programme; I'm leaving legacy and positive impact in higher education (albeit not quite the achievements that I was anticipating and albeit very unconventional)

I guess I'll have to do this industrial placement then!

There's no turning back at this point... this week has been really crazy, probably the most dramatic week ever.

Every time Facebook suggested an old memory of my emotional status, I was always taken aback. How many years has it been – five, six, seven? But it's never the time that surprised me.

I am always, always surprised by the emotions I used to have. And the language that I used seems to have endured agony. Love, hate, pain, disappointments – all of them were real. You have seen perfidy, you've seen how inevitably you were involved in dramas that you could write a book about. Where your positions were depended on what others did. 

So you learnt how to deal with things. Smile, pay little attention to details, never bother to care too much about people, and courtesy, courtesy, courtesy. You knew the rules, so you followed them - play inside the edge of the comfort zone.

I don't feel anything anymore.
I felt like a programmed machine. I no longer possess that kind of deep passion with people. Maybe I'm scared of them.

But I don't feel it anymore.
I don't feel the need to spend more time with people. Or do things for people whom I care.
And perhaps I am incapable of feeling or caring.


Time doesn't heal scars. 
Scars mature over time.

I am struggling

This is gonna be a post filled with extra negative energy and outrage.

No, it's not about politics.

It's something personal. I have to be honest with you – I am struggling in the sea of competition really, really badly. It's a toxic environment where you need experience for an internship.

No, it's not that I am incompetent or incapable of performing in the laboratory. No matter how well I demonstrated my academic prowess in digesting materials and reconstructing insights, I fail so badly. It's not that I can't carry out things precisely. It's that I did not get the opportunity to show and say that 'hey, I can do as well as others and even better'.

I have accepted that 2017/18 was not my year. My personal tutor's indifference and irresponsibility certainly did not help. "With your result, you're definitely going to get an internship. What matters most is your motivational letter, not a reference," said him who would then proceed to 'write' my reference. For programs applied by more than 500 people across the world, why did I even fall into the innocent words? The answer is that, "if you don't have any experience, whatever you wrote meant nothing," said a friend.

I'm deeply disappointed in myself. How do I show that I am as good as I actually am? When I was young, my dad used to tell me that there's nothing to be worried about if you ever have to go to a job interview - just tell them "I'll show you, and you'll decide if I'm good enough to stay". This may work in the Asian culture - because people are taught to be shy, to be acquiescent, my family works the other way round because as recruiters they are looking for something different. This kills me – I knew that talk is cheap, but it's essential. It has to be good. We're too comfortable in the bubble we lived in, never knowing what the real world and how real competition looks like. And now suddenly it all falls on me. If I know I am just dumb and a failure, I would've just stopped for something else.

Yet I went anyway. The process was gruelling; the wait was infuriating. Sometimes I couldn't sleep at night, thinking about my future and things I should do. Sometimes I wrote motivation letter with tears – it's almost saying "Please let me in, let me prove to you". But these are to no avail.

Here are my very raw and real rejections. I am writing not to whine about how unfair or whatever. I am writing to remind me that one day if I have ever succeeded, I should know what to do.

1)

2) 1900 applications????

3) Consulting whatever

4) Should I just accept that I'm never one's first choice?

5) This is the most painful one. 

 ^ dude, I don't have that confidence anymore after all this

6) While #5 said I am REALLY enthusiastic...

7)

8)

9)

10)

11)

So you might ask, "Where do you even get an experience if an intern position is asking for one?" The answer, unfortunately, lies in the high school life. Carrying out laboratory research in high school. Well sure. Even if I realise this back in high school, nothing would ever be different. We do need a better scientific environment for our next generations.

Also, indeed some programmes are meant to provide a first-hand experience - I guess when they look at my result, they just assumed I would've gotten a position at anywhere else.

So here I am – listening to the chaos of voices from everywhere – "I'm sure you're good" "I'm sure you'll get somewhere" "I'm sure you'll have no problem achieving your goals" "don't give up though, as your CV and interview are good".

???????????????????????

What are you trying to say??

I can't contain my emotions no more. One day, I was just sitting on the balcony, trying to let the cold wind to wake me up. Sometimes when I cross roads without paying heed to the traffic light, terrible thoughts would flow into my mind.

(LATE) New Year Resolution

I can't believe I have only posted 3 times in 2017, and it's already February 2018!


Honestly in January, I didn't think about any new year resolutions - I knew I could probably come up with a list of the should-have goals but I didn't think too much about it during that time because I was really caught up in my eldest brother's wedding.

Oh ya my brother got married last month - and I went back to give my blessings, of course. I probably got a lot more money as a younger brother compared to my other siblings. My eldest brother sneaked a 'double' red packet during the 'tea-drinking' thingy. I think my family low key loves me a lot, but they never say it, which I start to find it weird and unacceptable. I found western culture has a better way of strengthening relationships between people, especially with our family. I remember getting down my flight and gave my parents a hug and kisses on their faces, and everyone's looking at me like wtf. (But they can fuck themselves and suck it up. And be mature.)


Last term was really busy - I've no idea how many times I've used that phrase "really busy" in my recent blogposts. I had 4 modules, and assignments and projects and write-ups came up one after another. I also co-founded an international bioscience student association last summer, which took up another portion of my time working on the launching event.


We just had another Bio-entrepreneurial event last weekend, which was really insightful. I was so contented because the commercial director of one of the UK governmental agencies came and provided new insights and supports for start-ups based on synthetic biology. When I say start-ups that I'm interested in joining, I'm referring to those that involve actual products/technologies, not those that are based on apps, apps, and apps. IDK why so many people are swayed towards direction - I'm not saying the market's saturated. I personally can't think of any interesting ideas for an app besides a virtual bank service and that's not at all. We need disruptive products/services in order to extend the potential of the app world. And I think with what we have now, we are reaching a saturated start-up world. Just my two cents. I prefer a novel product with or without apps - because phone generally dies in terms of performance and installing apps just turns me off really quickly. The director told me that viable ideas would bring me an entrepreneurial visa in UK, which is not unprecedented. This may be a way for me to stay away from working in Malaysia. YEAH basically Malaysia is cool for vacation only really.



Back to my new year resolution...

1. Getting a summer bod ready for summer islands
I had something similar last year. And I think I performed pretty well - I've been hitting the gym very regularly 2-3 times a week since before my university started. It's been almost two years! I still remember the first time going to the gym closest to my house with my friend and ended up with a sore back, arms and thighs the other day. At the beginning, it was tough - I just wanted to spend less than an hour in the gym. My target was 20 minutes cardio + some weightlighting and machines. And to think now I have been spending 3 hours in the gym is insane!!! Time goes so fast in the tiny little place. So this year's plan is a summer bod ready really. Technically I have 4 months more - that's crazy.


2. Getting an internship
I was so stressed about internship last year. During the summer, I searched all over the internet to look for ANY research internships - I logged them into an Excel Spreadsheet, I kept it opened all day everyday! I was so stressed I couldn't sleep last term, fearing that I would never had the summer laboratory experience which leads to weak application which leads to no PhD which leads to being jobless in Malaysia. GUESS WHAT! Last week I received a GREAT news - I have secured a place in a global research programme in NTU, they are even giving me $3000 to spendddd omg (I am so ready to get a TAG HEUER now that everyone has one). SO I'm gonna say I've achieved one of my goals already! CRY. Honestly let's hope for better offers!


3. Getting into the Dean's list - or at least 1st class I hoped.
Honestly I am not very confident about this. But I'll do my besttt. Maintaining 1st Class should be fine. ohgod


4. Speak better english WITH CONFIDENCE
I know my english has definitely improved by 15-fold in terms of speaking compared to the first week of my uni. I even did like an emcee thingy in my last week's event, which is unbelievable. I can even network with professors in an occasional British accent HAHA. But I definitely seek more confidence in my speaking, and of course a better way of expressing myself.


AND that's it!! Can't really think of anything else really. Am I like a less greedy person now? Hahah.



I realised a change in my blog writing habits now - I stopped saying 'you', and I started saying 'I' - so much more of 'I'. Every time I come back here, this place reminds me of how much growth I've got, and how much better I've become. Surely I'll always come back - to fill myself with love and positive energy. <3 nbsp="" p="">

And..... 2017 is almost done!

Ok. At least my second academic year is coming.

I can't believe how time flies when life gets amazingly busy - I don't even have time to stop and reflect about what life has granted me. I guess I was quite lucky, and I'll tell you why.

It all started when I realised most Malaysians in UK had either looked for or secured summer internships for themselves despite being first year. These internships are voluntary - unlike many of the local universities that impose mandatory internship into their curriculum. You can tell how these overseas students tend to or want be more competitive, or you can call it kiasu if you would. Honestly if I were a local student, I wouldn't even think THAT much, nor would I explore the industry willingly. Why? Just like I wouldn't cook in Malaysia - I will never feel sufficiently prepared for the next steps. Or maybe I don't need to. (or I'll have to do it at some point of my education anyway, so why NOW?)

That was in March, when everyone was busy preparing for the finals in the third term. I looked at all the internships I can apply. I applied to Penguin UK for both internships and work experience, and got rejected. I applied to a few Malaysian laboratories - either I receive nothing at all or they don't take in overseas students - now that it all sounded so ironic to me, at the very time when everyone recognised the sheer quality of overseas STEM education over the local ones.

FUCK them. I decided to look for biotechnology companies, and I decided to write this company a cover letter, attaching my CV on it. The company didn't normally take in interns as they do not have an official internship program. The CEO (?) then notices my cover letter - it went pretty well. Just as we were trying to schedule the interview, I requested for more information about the interview as I wanted to know what the meeting is about. Funny thing then happened. I was reprimanded for not knowing what is going on, and what the company is doing blah blah blah. I swear that is still the most ridiculous thing I have ever encountered in my life other than Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He clearly misunderstood what I was trying to say even after my explanation, insisting that I had an 'incorrect perception about what the company is doing.'

WOW, now it all seemed like a secondary-primary-school-again hierarchy where the age defines your omnipotency to sentence people to death. I know how they like to shape this 'old is wisdom is good' kinda spirit so we always respect old people BUT does reality work like that? It's like telling people that the youth cannot be more successful than the elderly. IDK why I'm so triggered but that's fine - he still offered an interview, and I declined it after days of considering the cultural fit issues. Nahh... not about that life. I held on to the dignity I have, and continued look for my summer placement.

Eventually I landed on an internship in Grab. I was super lucky to have my friend who informed me about this opportunity from his manager, who happened to be a good friend of my boss. And even this internship requires a phone interview, something I was quite afraid of, and a case study over the phone. And surprisingly I secured the opportunity right after the phone interview - can't believe it! Hence it took up two months of my life here.

Well actually I was reluctant to join. My dad wasn't supportive of this decision as well since it's neither research related nor in any way related to my academics. Maybe he thought that I might as well work in his company. But I didn't want to waste my summer doing nothing - you can say I became ambitious after a year in London. And a bit courageous while facing local companies.

Grab is a really good eye-opening platform, and my department is especially good for people who want to take a look at the corporate side of the company. And I guess it gives you the perks of being in a fast-paced but relaxed atmosphere while giving you a glimpse how corporate works, and how you should approach them.

Throughout the internships, I felt like I was a permanent employee, shielded by a status called intern. And it's by that status, I was brought to a higher level than I would have been if it was a permanent job. I learnt some data analysis skills using Excel that everyone claims to be they are good at when they're actually not, and some email marketing skills. It was amazing - I even get to create my own campaign and actually yielded a relatively successful and sustainable results. I guess that's the luckiest thing that happened over the summer.

See? It all seems to me that if I'm willing to take a step forward, everything turns out fine or even better than I thought. Maybe I was just scaring myself with my throughts... so many demons to fight. Oh yeah and I got a first class in my first year, though didn't get into the Dean's list. sad. but it's ok. Two more years also mean two more opportunities to fight!

Say yes, say no.

Say hi to my new computer.

It might sound foolish but I must say that the best way to familiarise a computer is to use it to write. A lot. And it's the reason why I'm here I guess.

Not really.

I miss the time when I would fall asleep while busy pouring my heart out through literature - I like to take blogpost as a type of literature. I would crawl into my bedsheets in my chilly room. And when I had a bottleneck, I would bury my head into my pillow and random sentences flowed out endlessly... I realise it's a process of self-realisation; it's all about how I feel, what I did, what I wished I did.

Sometimes I feel pathetic, though most of the time I try to be whom I supposed to be - whom I should be at this position, this privileged position. 

I used to save my text messages through external services by the provide. They still sit in my email - in a folder called 'from 8 March onwards'. Stop second guessing. 8 March was no magical date or whatsoever. It's only the day I started used the services. And I looked back. I guess there's no shame about it, but it's something I tried stopping myself to do. But it was a real record of a real moment. Like a heritage from my teenage. Like a historical relic. An artefact. 

I guess only loser reminds himself that how he wins, especially not in a game.
But I'm no loser. At least I'm happy how I ended up. I may once believe in a friendship that focuses on longevity - like forever close friend circle. But that is silly. I guess it's best to let everything be everything. Not everyone needed advice needs an advice, nor help, nor unnecessary support, unless one asked for. 



On a side note, my first year has nearly come to an end. I have finals in two days' time.
I'm coping well I think. Can't believe it just ended.
And to think this year I met Tom Daley, Steve Jones... it's amazing.

Hey, I still can't believe I'm living in the busiest area of the busiest city in the world, even after a year. I'm puzzled, and astonished that how this fuses with my reality so well that I don't feel like I'm in another world. Have I mentioned that studying in UK was never a plan before A-levels? I guess I didn't even really know where I want to go with A-levels. Going to SMK was a surprise to both myself and my parents. Coming to London is another surprise that I just come to realisation.

Thank you world.

STFU

Sometimes I just can't keep myself from ranting and ranting over the same subject with minor updates. I have too many thoughts for it.


Let me tell you a joke.
There are people who will build their relationships based on what they feel at the moment. Some people do stuff and regret it, over and over again.
When I told my flatmates my stories for the first time, I called it always-regretful person.
People would do things they shouldn't do, and regret it, and try thousands of ways to make up for it, twisting and turning every piece of self back as if things haven't happened or as if they never had the intention to do that in the first place! And that placed everyone, whom they turned to when they were trying to do things they shouldn't do, in a difficult position. And that is fucking selfish. I bet you wanna be a fishmonger, congrats I see your potential. You really EARNED IT.


In contrast, I'm very a not-regretful person. It doesn't mean that I never regret for things that I did, because saying you've never regretted stuff is categorically a bullshit. I regret for things, but I don't crawl back and pretend I never do things. I won't fuck my friendship, and regret it and pretend I never do stuff and things can go back as usual. Because when I say I wanna fuck a friendship or I wanna stay away from someone, there were people who actually supported me and meant 'yeah if that's what you want, I'll help u'. If I ever regret it and then crawl back to try to build back this relationship, how would others look at my friends? Your classical relationships destroyer, BOOM!


Now I really fuck my whatever-ship with you, I don't even want to be acquaintance.
And now that you can make me the real bad guy if you really need an antagonist to complete your story. With your shitty tongue you can say anything now that I don't really care. I don't even want someone to defend for me because I want you to feel like a pseudo-winner. That's probably the closest feeling to victory that you can ever have. You're really welcome.

I'm writing this, with the hope that you will see it, so that you realise there's no chance you can crawl back, and pretend it's anyone's fault. I've seen enough of the same drama, and I'm getting bored of it. Your wit that I once find refreshed has now turned outmoded and obsolete. I expected more, you failed me. I mean, I'm inspired to not overestimate people, really.


I once thought that I nearly got over this until I shared my story with people, realising how inspiring it is. I don't normally judge people by social classes. But this just inspires me that how people may deserve to be judged. EYE-OPENED. Thanks. And I'm sick of your hypocritical, trite, self-contradicting theories. For example 'Inner beauty is the key. Everything else is not' and 'I only have sex with my married partner'. What's wrong with being a sexual being? Why are you judging this since you're insisting inner beauty is your key? I find it hypocritical. I'm embracing all these, all of myself after realising how pathetic people can be. I mean, thank you for the drama, at least I can brag about how many plot-twists there are and how dramatic they are.


Here's a song:

 Pink Guys - STFU

I'm doing this all because I can.

Another thing I wanna say about the vulgarity is that all your primary or secondary schools are in fact being hypocrites. I realise there are important contexts that no things other than profanity can fit in. If you don't appreciate its value in shaping and being a part of culture, you can continue living in your self-containing, complacent world. I'd love to pretend everything is ideal, but now I appreciate more the practical side of the world.

SO FUCK OFF. 

I mean, FUCK OFF FROM ALL GOOD PEOPLE.

2016 in a Nutshell

I do not want to be cliché, but 2016 was truly full of 'ups and downs'.
There were good and bad times - a year of 'realising stuff'.

cliché, cliché, cliché. Cause I'm that boring.
I never realise I was that boring until I try to make friends with new people.
But I'm trying. And I'm gonna fake it till I make it, cause that's how it works bitch.


So 2016 I stayed at home for eight months, and went to Sunway in a regular interval. Thank you my friends for giving me a space to sleep. It was amazinggg

I did lots of stuff in these empty months... I waited for applications, I started watching Game of Thrones, I started gym-going, running at tanjung, and several times bumped into the guy that I fucked in the evening (wtf, thats so wrong i didnt fuck him in the evening, i bumped into him in the evening). I watched so much youtube, recorded songs and videos (a big thanks to my friends who gave me this unique experience), dreamed of being a youtuber, heard good news from CIMB to compete scholarships in a bootcamp, felt scared about the bootcamp 'cause there'll be lots of new people but played it cool in the beginning, and that's all the good stuff. I haven't mentioned how US schools didn't accept me, CIMB rejected me...


After the eight/nine months I came to London. Amazing.
On the first day I was quite terrified. It's a strange place, very strange to me.

I went out for shopping, and when the cashier asked me 'do you need a bag?', I couldn't even understand. I asked her to repeat for a few times and I couldn't get it. In the first day morning, I walked on the street and some random guy raised his glass and said 'have a nice day mate', and I thought it's a good sign for everything in UK.


First day of the school, some gigantic black guy hit on me, telling me I'm a nice person (wtf u out of ur mind), and gave me his number. I'm okay guys I'm okay. I survived through his long held handshake.


Few days after, I came out with my newly made friends, and at first the guys were like kinda awkward but they are then really nice to me while the girls were planning to bring me to a gay club and gonna see what's happening uhh. blessings haha.


Then went out with a Singaporean guy. He's okay just that he didn't realize I was this 'small'. I wanna quote his sentence 'you're so tiny'. LOLL and that didn't make out.


So the second month which is October, I signed up for a freaking expensive gym membership. I started working out three days a week. And my workout here is suddenly so much more intense than in malaysia. I would spend two freaking hours every time. I enjoyed taking my time, no rushing home. oh and not to mention the lovely people there. You know. #lockerroomlife just kidding.


And October I had so much sex until a point I was kinda in the mood of self-loathing, 'cause whom I'm meeting were mostly looking so much better in the photos. But I realized it's a process of self-discovering. I never regret it because it was interesting. When you see someone so obsessed with you and your body, and then you started questioning yourself 'is my belly real? do they not see it?'. Another realisation is that, notice everyone always says those porn penises were rare people, and penises were rarely big. And while all asian penises that I have seen it before my eyes were smaller than I first thought they should be, these western and middle east people do have big dick. BIG. but thats not the point. Polish is quite passionate though.


November and December. pshh courseworks and tests dropped onto me like a waterfall. I spent quite a long time in library. oh shit and I got 86 for Biochemistry, which has an average of 51 and its highest being 89. No idea how I did it, bitch. I do want to get into Dean's list. Then I went to Luxembourg, lovely place.


Towards the end of December, hooked up with an English (finally?), slightly taller than me. With his beautiful eyes and pretty face, but bad predisposition, which made him hot. I didn't know he's younger than me. But he did like a king, asking me to plead for pain, or pleasure. And the next day and the next day he would keep on asking for more again. In the meantime he just texted me.


Oh and I went to a club for the first time. Did some pre-drinks. Played the ring of fire, it's a not too interesting drinking game. I tried gin and tonic without tonic, which is awful. I tried tequila shots, OMG I LOVE IT! I tried some festive mulled wine, Prosecco, Cava, Rose etc.

Last night, we went to the Primrose hill with our precious Cava and we drank there with loads of other strangers, standing in the cold waiting for the new year fireworks.



Throughout the year, my lifestyle and how I look at the world have been flipped and tossed around - huge changes. Remember how I would overthink stuff and write proses or poems? I could never do that again. I don't want to start an argument just to argue about different perspectives (And I lost interests in winning arguments). I gave no fuck - this is the magic of not giving a fuck. I'm contented with my own evaluations of things, and I need not persuade anyone. I would say it's a growth, but you can say it's deteriorating or going backwards for thinking less, because many people just started to overthink at this age, and I'm like NOPE, I've had enough of that shit and I know that's not gonna help unless you wanna be an emotional writer. Is that cynical? I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm living well.


I have also totally changed my views on sex, which used to be a taboo to talk about. I used to feel ashamed talking about it even though deep down I would crave. It felt like I had successfully swum across the oceans the another island of opinions towards sex (I mean yes physically I'm in a more open-minded country). I figured out that since we're all born because of sex, why are we ashamed of it? Ashamed of talking about or doing it? You should be grateful, son. And it's funny how old people would say the inner beauty is the most that matters (as in physical factor is not important in a relationship), but in their mind they still couldn't accept sex before marriage. OH wait didn't they just mean the physical factors don't matter? Why still want people to hold virginity like it's a precious present that has to be given to a 'special' person? This doesn't make sense, and I think it's a great discrimination to ladies. (Ladies should listen to beyonce more)


My lifestyle has had an immense transformation in this year. I used to hate sports for many years due to many reasons - body shaming, bad stamina, panas etc. This year I finally picked up all my courage to the gym, from worrying to lovin' it. I love how it changes my body and confidences, and how I could sweat. Even in the holidays I felt like my day is incomplete if I missed my gym session. I feel tired for not going to gym. It's bizarre I couldn't describe it.


I also learn to cook real food. Learning all those food names is probably the hardest... linguine? zucchini? fussili? penne? Permigiano-Reggiano or Parmesan? Burritos? Churros? Gluthwein?? currywurst? poisson? boisson? #toomuch


I can't believe I'm saying this since everyone thinks 2016 is a worst year. Yeah I know in terms of what's going on with the world or Malaysia's currency, it's pretty bad, but in terms of personal life, 2016 is a year of positive transitions for me. I'm really grateful.




Happy new year guys!

2016 was amazing. I'm so excited for whatever awaits me in the near future.

Cheers mate.

Just Settled Down

As planned, I've reached London on 17th September 2016. It was super touching for me to have my friends coming to send me off in the airport. I never felt so loved and cared. I always thought I was the kind of person whom people would not talk about when I'm not around, which sometimes can be a good thing. But to have so many people to send me off? I'm so grateful and excited to begin the new chapter of my life, totally shedding off the 'old' layers of me to become, or at least try to behave like, who I always wanted to be.


I began to love trying new stuff. I've always wanted to become someone who love trying new stuff. Back in Malaysia, I was scared of trying something new even though I'd love to. It's like I'd always hesitate for a long time and end up not going. I was surprised myself that I eventually became comfortable to try new stuff in this whole new strange environment. At the third week, which is last week, I went to YAS (Yonce Appreciation Society) first meeting, which ended up distasteful. I tried pole fitness (yeah pole dance) and I kinda like it. I went to Muay Thai taster session, terribly interesting - I'm gonna join this. I went to a gym all by myself, which I normally will feel uncomfortable because there are lots of people in there. I went to an interview yesterday for voluntering tutor programme without preparing it at all and got recruited! Miracle!


One of the concerns of mine before coming to London is that I'm gonna lose all my 'market' here. Mat Salleh ain't gonna love me and my style. I mean, even Asians themselves don't really find me attractive.

But that just isn't the case. Different people have really different perspectives. Some thought I was cute. One said I was sweet and sexy. And you can feel how passionate he is, how his eyes only have your body, and how he's trying to feel through touch. The ending started with his eyes looking blankly at the front. He asked, 'How many years are you staying here?' I said, '3 years.' He knew this wasn't lasting forever. 'What do you do?' I asked. He laughed softly, 'I'm just a security.' We both knew this isn't gonna last.

He said he was going to study pharmacy at first, but at the end he studied applied science. A moment of silence. He is an Iranian.

I didn't dare to ask more. He stared emptily into the air. At the moment I thought I saw his disappointment.

When REALITY hits, what should people really do?
We knew there wasn't a single positive possibility.

He's huge and warm and firm. He said he'll spend more time here next time, maybe watch a film. I laughed.

Now that the application was updated into a new one and it got renewed.
All the data is gone. 

Maybe this is how reality hits. him (or me). 
I've always thought that English movies never really touch me deeply. I always say I feel more love in Chinese songs. 

Nonetheless, now I am grateful for feeling loved...

来点Negativity

一生只有一次
这么一辈子很短暂
其实并不是真的短暂
或许有轮回有下辈子
但是没有了回忆就等于重新开始
这一辈子和下一辈子也就没有了联系
至少没有我们懂得的联系

为什么要说起短暂的人生呢
有人爱说一辈子很短不如就吃吃喝喝
为了吃为了吃 为了享受

可我却觉得我只能有这一辈子
为什么我不要去争取我要的、成为令我满意的自己呢

最近和一个老朋友联络
聊了许多她的新的人事物
让我觉得世界很宽广
她就是误打误撞进入了人生胜利组的圈子里
圈子里的人都有我想要的所有东西
颜值 钱 高度 白 高智商 家族

我想了很多
很沮丧 很自卑
我不是irreplacable
我好像只是在浪费时间
就觉得怎么做都一样 没办法突破那个Boundary

痛苦吗 痛苦

很痛苦
What a first world problem.

我并不是怨恨
只是叹气
不知道该做什么
也不知道该不做什么

可能空闲太久了。

What's Up

It's comfirmed, guys.

I AM GOING TO UCL.

I have firmed it. I make Imperial College as my insurance. 
(Don't ask me why despite its higher ranking LOL)


Apparently UCL would have more drinking parties. And someone less sociable like me would really need opportunities to brush up my inferior social skills. 
(My friend's like 'HOW CAN SOMEONE NOT LIKE KIARRRR?')


So I was really worried about my career prospect, and even job prospect if I'm coming back for work, after my first Bachelor's degree. Yes I'll need at least this Master degree or something more for this entry-level jobs.
Do you guys find these academics stuff shirty? I sometimes do. I should stop.

BUT I AM FREAKIN' EXCITED (AND SCARED) FOR UNI LIFE!



Okay. So recently I've been in Muar for few months.
I re-visit Sunway quite frequently (so much thanks to Jing who keeps me in his room) whenever I'm too immersed in my Muarian's style.
What's Muarian's style? Scare this scare that, hesitating for doing Big thing, feeling too song in comfort zone, like to disparage, decry, denounce etc. It's not like my town is really that bad. It's just the stereotype I'm experiencing whenever I'm here. 

They like to tell you those who dye their hair or did tattoos are bad and something like that. And I find it necessary to actually educate my parents about it. 

Whenever I said I'm thinking of plastic surgery, my parents would throw out bad remarks such as 'unnatural', 'ai mu xu rong' and also sentence that goes like this 'If you're bad, it's pointless even if you're looking good.'
WTF so I'm like 'does that mean that if I'm good, it's okay to have tattoos (which to them it's pretty bad looking) done on me? And since I know I'm good and kind, I'm gonna do tattoo.'


Actually there's a stereotype about this tattoo thingy that I want people to really think it over.
I mean, yeah you like to say 'don't judge the book by its cover' and you've agreed to it. But now what? Tattoo = bad looking and evil. And since you dislike 'bad looking' so much, you ironically hold contempt towards plastic surgery, which is a process to make people look better. And I've heard that Americans generally think the same way - 'unnatural'. Let me tell you that Korean takes plastic surgery as a chance to upgrade themselves, hence they aren't scornful or shameful at all towards the so-called 'unnatural' surgeries.
..... SHIT OUT OF TOPIC ADY.

Going back to Sunway has been my input sources.

An old friend of mine, who is really independent, inspires me so much. She said she's the kind of person who would think of going somewhere at this moment and end up buying ticket at the next moment. And I think this is living life to the fullest. Maybe. Not just because she is rich lol (That day I was like 'wa why you pack yourself up for so many things' and she was like trying hard speaking in Mandarin 'got money got problem meh?' I think she's trying to say 'I think that's a first world problem'). Sometimes even when you can afford, you will still be scared and hesitating for so long to go somewhere alone, especially overseas where the citizens don't speak your first language. She actually signed up for diving lessons in Australia, planning to go there alone.

(The diving lessons consist of about 8 times of diving, which take place at different site. You will pass the exam after the third time of diving. She even has the chance to dive at the Great Barrier Reef, OMG!)

Okay though I can afford going to Australia or somewhere else in this gap 9-month and though I am 'inspired', I still wouldn't dare to go alone. Should find a friend and just go. And if I'm going to places where I can go alone, like Taiwan, it's so boring that I've been there quite a few times and there's simply nothing to do there especially when I'm alone. Last year I was hoping they could form a group of 5 to go to United States, but alas, everyone's busy. SHIT. I WAS REALLY EXCITED TO GO THERE. and meet my Jason. I miss him, it's legit. Though this relationship won't go far... (sob. because I'm going to UK right)


I hope you don't find this close-up too abrupt.
Till next time! It's too late to write any more.